Third time is the Charm?!

Today marks my 6 week mark for my 3rd surgery in 3 years.  This time it was a procedure called occipital nerve decompression.  Its a relatively new approach for helping migraine sufferers to find answers to long term chronic migraines that just won't break and go away. I am thankful because the doctor who suggested that I get this surgery is no longer practicing, and the only surgeon that performs this surgery is only 45 mins from my house.  Many neurosurgeons do not perform the surgeon because its not a "big enough" operation to go into the operation room. But luckily the surgeon near me does, because he sees the need for it,  and because it SEEMS to WORK! I do not yet know the long term effects, but so far, I have only had two days of a minor migraine (of which I TOTALLY had a PTSD panic attack), and a few minor headaches. This surgery will not cure me FOREVER of migraines, but it has stopped the horrid migraine cycle that I was stuck in since March 2016. My recovery has been relatively easy compared to the last two spinal surgeries, some significant surgical pain (the surgery was done on the back of my head at the base of my neck..if you want pictures send me a private message on FB..happy to share!) so its pretty painful, but nothing in comparison to the daily searing pain I was living with prior to the surgery. We are hopeful and prayerful that this last surgery...my third surgery will be the charm and will allow me to return to a somewhat normal life again. Will it ever be what I had before...NO...and I have accepted that. But can it still be wonderful, YES! There is a good possibility that I will live in pain for the rest of my life, even on the slightest level, and I am coming to terms with that, it has taken me some time..a lot of tears, and prayer. 

So now that I am feeling somewhat back to me, my husband and I had the conversation the other night about when do we start going forward with the the fertility stuff again. When we last left it in March of this year, we were going forward with IUI with gonadatrophins and had already purchased the medicine to do this. This last health stuff with me set us back another 7 months, which when I was 25 was not a big deal...but guys..guess what I am almost 37...37...GOSH that sounds so old. I know in retrospect it is not, but in baby making years it is. 

Months ago before the surgery we had discussed selling the medicine and not even going forward with any fertility. It was clear my body could not handle any more stress. We would just move forward with adoption or some other way to start our family. But now that I am on the other side of this, I have been praying to God, and asking him to lead me where he wants me to be, and if it is for us to go forward with this fertility treatments somehow let me know. I would be fine with letting it go if that was his wishes and plans, and lets be honest my body has been through SO much these last three years, its hard to imagine going forward with pumping myself full of hormones and then the possibility of having multiples..its A LOT for a healthy woman.  

A few weeks ago, when I was just 3 weeks out of surgery and still in surgical pain, I had looking for something under the bed, and found THE medicine, stored neatly in its box...I sat and cried for a good hour.  I knew right then, I was not ready to close the door on trying to have a baby of my own.  For us, IVF was NEVER on the table..EVER..we had decided that it was TOO expensive and we just couldn't do that..if we did anything we would do IUI with gonadatrophins and then  move towards adoption.  But one day..out of NOWHERE, I had this over whelming urge and sense that we HAD to do IVF.  LIKE we HAVE TO TRY IT.  Since that day, I have been at such peace about IVF..and I even had a conversation with my good friend (who is also struggling with fertility who is getting ready to start IVF with the same doctor no less!), and we begin talking about, and all of the sudden, it didn't seem SO scary, or SO expensive (don't get me wrong..its the cost of a new car!). But I get the feeling we are SUPPOSE to try..and if God wants us to try..then we HAVE to try.

Since our decision to discuss this with our doctor, we have made a phone consult with our doctor which we will have sometime next week to discuss all the ins and outs.  I am still unsure how we will pay for it..and to be honest I don't care..we will find a way! Hopefully I will have good news soon to share! 

What's next??

As more time passes, and the days draw closer to my appointment with another neurosurgeon to hopeful have an answer for the continued migraine pain I am in, the time inches closer towards my 37th birthday. I dont know why but for some reason this birthday resonates with me as being old..I know that its not in retrospect..but I guess, in my "fantasy" world , I had expected many children by now and for them to be close to 10 years old.

So what is next for us...with my health not being so great, we have totally had to put the fertility stuff on the back burner. Back in March we purchased the shots to begin our hormone therapy, which we will still go through with, but I need to be in a little better shape first.  We have decided that we will do one or two more rounds of fertility treatments with the injectables, and if that does not work..then we move on to adoption.  In the mean time we have already started looking at adoption quite seriously. There is no harm right now taking a look around and gathering as much information as we possibly can.

I believe that we have settled on doing a domestic adoption versus an international one...we have weighed all the pros and cons and just think that is a better option for us.  I have to say that I am pretty excited at the thought of adoption (NOT THE $$ part..ITS EXPENSIVE!), but the thought that I could have a little one in 6 months time...how wonderful is that! We havent given up on a biological child of our own yet, but for now, my body is just not in a place to carry a child and maybe it has been God's desire for us to adopt all along.  We will have to see what the surgeon says on Friday for me, and if I will be having any more surgery in the near future, which I honestly hope he says yes. I have been in SO much pain, and am just ready to have this all to go away again.  WE appreciate all the prayers, texts, phone calls, and words of encouragement as we have been on this journey to making our family.  We will have a family one day soon...I hope! :)

Keep Hope Alive

Keep Hope Alive...this was the title of one of my daily devotionals the other day. It really struck me. I have been in a tough place now for some time with my health and with my fertility, and just when I think I am at my breaking point, something speaks to me in a way that helps me push a bit further. That is what happened with this devotional the other day.  The devotional read this (its long..sorry!):

Father God, right here where I am planted in this pain, I know there is a purpose.  I know You will bring me out.  Just give me the strength to keep hope alive until You do.  Amen

 

I Kings 18:41-46

 

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”  There was a drought in the land.  The Israelites had not seen rain for about three years.  The Lord tells Elijah who had been running from Ahab to go show himself to him and He will end the drought.  You can imagine how Elijah felt.  Here he was hiding out afraid because he thought that Ahab had killed all of God's prophets now God is asking him to go to the very person he is terrified of seeing.  Sometimes, God will put us in a place that we are not comfortable with and expect us to hold serve there.  There is pain in that place.  There is sadness in that place.  There is emptiness in that place.  There sometimes seems to be no God in that place but we are to hold court until the Lord says move.  We are to have hope in the ditch, in the prison, in the valley and while we are being stoned.  God knows what He is doing.  We don't always understand His next move but that's okay.  It is not for you to understand.  What we have to do at this time in our lives is be steadfast and unmovable.  There is something brewing.  If you can just hold court right there where you are and don't move a muscle and don't flinch, you will get out in one piece.  It is when we get edgy, not understanding the God who is working things together for our good that we slip up and fall, slip and slide, stumble and stutter.  Don't try to understand the place you are in right now. Yes it is painful.  Yes it hurts.  Yes you want out but He's refining you.  He is purging you.  He is renewing you but you have to trust Him. You have to be willing to stand there and take the punches.  When it is all over, like He did with Job, He will restore you. All those who have been through the waters and the fire can testify that you didn't think you would make it, but you did!       

For weeks I have been waiting...waiting on doctors appointments to tell me whats wrong...waiting on MRI's to find out if there is something more to this migraine than just a migraine, just waiting, and waiting in so much pain that I beginning to lose who I am as a person. But then, just when I feel as if I am going to lose my grip, I open my email to this....a quite reminder from up above to be still and patient. He knows my pain; both physical and mental. He knows that I want nothing more than to be well so that we can start trying for our family again. But for now I must be patient and wait.  So for now, I will endure the pain, enjoy the good days that I have by basking in the sunshine and spending time with family and friends, and stay faithful that thru all this, we will have a family.  We have decided to move forward with exploring adoption options since, right now, having a child of our own is off the table.  There is an adoption meeting with an organization here in Eugene at the end of the month that we will be attending to find out more about that.  We are not giving up hope of having a child of our own, but for now, my body is  not in a place to endure the hormones and stress that it would have to go through to do that, so we need to just be patient and wait.  Which is hard...but I have faith....I think you have to when you are in a situation like mine...if you don't have faith..what do you have.

Thank you to all my friends and family who continue to pray for us, and send cards, notes and texts of encouragement...I really appreciate them all! I couldn't do any of this without y'all.  For now, the doctors say, I am just in a migraine cycle that may not be able to be broken...so this may be the rest of my life...which I am coming to terms with as well. We are exploring all sorts of options..even the Mayo Clinic..I am not giving up hope! I have an appointment with a neurosurgeon for a consult on a surgery that may help at the end of July and I have been receiving trigger point injections pretty regularly to try to help with the pain...which helps some but they are not pleasant I will add! I told Will the other day that I am so tough now that and my pain tolerance is so high that if and when I do get pregnant child birth will be a breeze! Hahah!

Again, I know there is a reason for this journey..I may not understand it..but I am remaining faithful and patient as I wait for the next door to open. Hopeful that it involves a family for us, and a painfree life for me! Thanks again for all the prayers!

Where is our rainbow?

Today marks month 3 of my current migraine.....the migraine that is keeping me from starting my fertility treatments...to start my family. At first I was extremely angry and bitter, screaming to God, why is this happening to us AGAIN...why are derailing our plans AGAIN...but then as I have prayed I remembered that it is HIS plan not OURS...so although this journey is hard AND VERY painful...this is the journey he has chosen for us. And our family journey just so happens to involve two spinal surgeries and one VERY long migraine that no one seems to be able to figure out why it will not go away.

I have suffered with migraines for my entire life, although I was not diagnosed until I was in college. But I can remember as a young child having terrible headaches. I have gone to numerous neurologists ...all of whom have encouraged me to keep a food journal or have some how tried to link my migraines to my cycle.  The only thing they have ever been able to determine is that they are caused from stress.  But something this time is very different.  I am in a relatively low stress environment...I have been out of work because of my spinal surgery for close to 2 years, I have put my dissertation for my Ph.D on my back burner, AGAIN... (not because my desire to finish is not there but because this headache keeps me from using my computer from longer than 20 mins at a time!), and fertility treatments have completely stopped...so what gives..where is the stress...could it be that I am stressed because I have a headache that won't go away..perhaps...but things are different this time. I am trying just about EVERYTHING you could imagine to make this thing go away. I have been using acupuncture since my last surgery for pain and for fertility...that has helped tremendously...I seriously do not know what I would do without my biweekly visits with my Laura. I call her my magic fingers. She can get my headache from a 8 to a 5 in a matter of seconds...which with conventional medicine it could take up to 30 minutes for anything to work! Its pretty amazing.  I have been taking all sorts of vitamins, minerals, Chinese herbs, leafy greens, grass fed beef, etc. I just started a wheat free diet..which is HARD..but not as bad as I thought. I soak my feet daily in epsom salt foot soaks. I have appts with several specialists, and have been in to see my migraine specialists several times for emergency pain help...which I have finally decided is really not helping me in the long run because all that is doing is causing rebound headaches.  So over the last few weeks I have decided that maybe the best thing to do is just to ride it out..learn to live with it..learn how to function with the pain..perhaps God is trying to utilize me for some reasons that I am unable to see yet. All I know is that I must trust him..he has brought me this far.

I am not saying that this journey has not come without its fair share of tears and anger, because it HAS. There are days that I sit in my very dark room, with sunglasses on, and cry...praying to God why he would put me through all of this....the two years of pain, the infertility and just when I felt like I was getting my footing again, WHAM...I am smacked back on my butt with this...WHY. And the thing I keep coming back to is I just have to trust him. I may not understand why today, or tomorrow or even next week, but there is a reason, and it is part of our journey.

So, as I wait for my upcoming appts with specialists with whom I pray have the answers to make the pain go away, and let me leave my dark sunglassed prison...and once again step out into the light of the world...I pray that I have the strength each day to continue to trust God and know that he always has my best interest at heart.  There has to be a rainbow for us as some point right?

"The pain that you have been feeling can not compare to the joy that is coming." Romans 8:18 

More pain...more waiting...

As the month of April is wrapping up, and ironically this week is National Infertility Awareness week... , I am lying in a dark room writing this blog entry...struggling with another migraine. Over the past 6 weeks or so, I have been struggling with intense back/neck pain and migraines.  I have to admit I was a little freaked out because these are the exact symptoms I had to the prior two spinal surgeries I have had. So after several visits to my neurologists and an MRI, it was found that I DO NOT have another blown disc...which is GREAT news...however, I still have a migraine.  I have an appt to see the migraine specialists...but I couldn't get in to see him until June.  So in the mean time I have been spending a great deal of time in a dark room...in sunglasses resting and trying to tackle this thing.  I thought I had finally gotten it to break last week, but it came back again on Monday morning... so I will try again to break this cycle with lots of sleep, and my dark hobbit hiding hole... sigh...

Being caught in a migraine spiral for someone who is trying to get pregnant using hormones; which you are pretty sure started the whole migraine cycle to begin with,  is a little bit nerve-racking .  So not only do I feel frustrated that I can't get rid of this headache to even THINK about starting my injections to start our treatments again to have a baby, BUT, now there is an added risk that I could thrown myself into another migraine spiral from starting the injections. It is a pretty miserable place to be in...So for now...we are not even sure WHEN we will be able to start the injections...which is frustrating...and sad...oh so sad.  Another month of waiting, slowly ticks away to three months. I am trying so hard to be positive and not stress, because that doesn't help my migraine. But, it is so hard when all I can think about is that each day that passes, is a day taken away from us starting our family.

Psalm 18:2 The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Making Hard Decisions

Life is about making hard decisions...today...we made one...after months of trying to decide if we would do the gonadotrophin therapy...and finding the money, and ordering the medicine for the shots for the therapy. We have decided to postpone starting the shots to let my body a heal a bit longer. The last month my body has been in bad shape...I have had several migraines as well as I have had  neck and back muscle tension that is rendered me immobile.  I have to go back to my routine of physical therapy exercises and doing acupuncture twice a week to help loosen the muscles.  I believe the reason the muscles have tightened is from the previous hormones that threw me into a migraine spiral...my acupuncturist agrees.  So here we wait another month (or so)...for our family...it feels a bit like torture to tell you the truth... like we are completely putting our plan on hold...but I think we are doing the right thing. My body needs time... it has been complete and utter hell the past two years... two years of constant pain, surgery TWICE, recovery TWICE, hormone therapy, migraines, emotions....it has been such a roller coaster...it might be good for me to take a few months to let my body just....breathe...

But I would be lying to you if I told you I was completely ok with this...that I just made this decision and didnt look back......this was hard... a really hard decision.  A family is something that is very important to us, and putting it on hold another month is agony.   I can't believe we are having to make this decision, after all we have done to get to this point. Another hard decisions. .... but...I am faithful......something good will come from all of this pain....or so I hope and pray......

        "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord"-Isaiah 66:9

Finding Ways to Fill the Hole

When I begin this journey, I believed, hoped and prayed it would be short...but as the days, months and years have gone by...it has gotten longer and longer.  I have found that I have got to find a way to fill the hole that is in my heart. The gap that is in my life that can only be filled by our future family.

Over the last few years, we have been fortunate enough to make some wonderful close friends who have children, and spending time with them as their "Aunt Em and Uncle Will" has helped to fill this hole in my heart. But I as time has marched on I have felt propelled that there is more I want...and if our time is not coming to a close yet on this journey, I need to find a way to fulfill this gap.  It wasnt very long ago that I was speaking with my acupuncturists and she shared with me a story that she had heard about David Bowie, and his wife Iman and their struggles they had had with infertility. They had struggled for several years, and Iman told the story that it took two blondes to get her pregnant, "David Bowie and Christie Brinkley".  Iman further explained that in Somalian culture they say that if you have trouble getting pregnant that you should hold a baby all day long, so Christie Brinkley handed her her baby, Sailor, and sure enough she got pregnant.  This story was such an inspiration to me, that I begin to wonder maybe I should consider volunteering working with children..perhaps that could help to fill this hole I have in my heart.

I looked into volunteering at the hospital being a snuggler for the babies in the NICU.  I immediately contacted the hospital and inquired about the possibility. Of course the waitlist for this opportunity is VERY long.  But then, the woman with whom I was speaking with, indicated that there were several other organizations in town that had opportunities to work with children.  So I reached out to several of them, and met with one in particular that spoke deeply to my heart. Its called the Relief Nursery. It is for children who are in at risk families.  I worked my first shift last week, as a volunteer in the classroom with the 2 year olds, and I have to admit. It totally gave me my kid fix! Spending time with these children with whom are in difficult family situations was so rewarding and was definitely filled the hole in my heart.  I am looking forward to my next volunteer shift, when I get to spend 3 hours snuggling with these very special children who want nothing more than to be loved and to play. It really is the best of all worlds.

I do not know what the future will hold for us...we are a few weeks out from starting our next round of fertility treatments which will involve daily injections which will be a bit scary, but in the meantime, I will continue to remain faithful to God's will and our journey is for a reason, AND I will look forward to my Thursday mornings at the Relief Nursery where I get to play and interact with children who really need me. Which is a feeling I need right now!

Thank You

I have to admit..I was absolutely petrified of writing and posting my blog of my very personal feelings and journey...but you know when you feel propelled to do something, as if God is speaking directly to your heart nudging you to do it....thats how I felt.  For months, I had in a funk...one could even say depressed. The magnitude of all in my life that felt like was going wrong had come to a head over the holiday season.  There is something about getting christmas cards that is terribly depressing for someone that is going through fertility issues. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE seeing all of my friends adorable children...but it is also extremely hard... to see their adorable children. Its just hard.  I knew that I was not feeling myself, wanting to sleep a bit more, crying more often (it could also been all the hormones!)...but the icing on the cake came when I was walking thru Target one day, I was looking at sheets and heard a tiny little newborn baby cry. I immediately burst into tears, right there in the middle of Target. I tried to hide it but I know people were staring at me as I pushed my cart as fast as I could to the other end of the store..but that was the moment I knew..I needed to find a way to channel all of this emotion and hurt that I had pent up inside.  I have kept a prayer journal for some time during my spinal surgery journey as well as our fertility issues. Writing in that has been very helpful, but I felt like I needed to write more, someplace more publicly. After the last failed IUI, I finally felt like it was time to put it all out there..so after some consultation with several friends on good blog titles (Thank you Jessica for helping me :)) I just did it. I sat down and word vomited all my feelings... it FELT SO GOOD.  For the first time in a long time, I felt so at peace. That was when I knew that I had done the right thing.

Over the past couple days I have been absolutely BLOWN away by the positive response I have received from posting the blog.  Thank you all that have sent me text messages, Facebook messages, etc.  I do not feel so alone anymore. It is comforting to know that there are so many people out there that like me struggled to have a child.  Our journey is still uncertain, which is so scary, but knowing that I no longer have to walk this path so alone, is comforting.  THANK YOU!

Gonda WHAT Therapy

I remember the first time Dr. Austin said Gonadotrophin Therapy to us during our first appointment with him.  I remember thinking..what did he just say..Gonads..what the hell is he talking about.  Half the time whenever we talk about it, my husband can't pronounce it..its become a hysterical joke around our house.  To be honest, neither one of us thought we would ever be to this point of injections.  It seems surreal to me when I made the call to order the medication.  So when we made the decision to proceed with this type of therapy one of the first thing that came to mind was money.  With me being out of work for close to a year with my spinal surgeries, money has been a bit tight for us. But we have been able to make it by cutting our expenses here and there and being smart.  And at this point I would do anything to start a family.  When I spoke to the nurse about ordering the medication she indicated to me that there was a HUGE price difference ordering the medication from the US or from overseas. I asked her if there was ANY difference in the medication that came from overseas and she laughed and said, nope, not at all..its the exact same medication..they just charge twice the amount in the US.  HOW ridiculous is that! We decided to order from overseas..when the box arrived with the medication, I remember thinking..THIS IS IT...I expected streamers, confetti, balloons, something...anything...for how much I paid for this! Here is what a $1,000 bucks can buy you in the fertility world! :)

I have to admit that prior to this the thought of letting my husband poke me with a shot was not something that was on my "honey do" list.  I never imagined that I would be walking this journey...thankfully we have a very good friend who is a nurse who has agreed to come over for the first injection to assist in any way, just in case either one of us gets cold feet.  I never thought my husband would be ok with poking me, but he seems to be just fine with it all.  From what I have read about the side effects of this medication, he may be throwing the shots at me like a dartboard by the time its all over..they say that this medication makes you emotional and mean...thats a great combination.  Oh what a wonderful fun carousel of emotions this journey has been thus far....I can't wait to see how my body reacts to the hormones! :) 

Our story...

My husband and I met in graduate school. We married soon after we met..it was a whirlwind romance..the kind of love at first sight.  Our careers were important to us, so we decided early on that we didnt want to have children right away... little did we know that it would be such an issue!  When we turned 30, we decided that we were "ready" to start officially trying.  The first 6 months flew by, and we really weren't too frustrated because we figured it would take some time.  It wasn't until the 1.5 mark that we realized that perhaps something wasnt quite working.  At that point we had just made a huge cross country move to Oregon from Alabama, it was quite stressful. We had left our families and friends for a new adventure out west.  I made an appointment with my OBGYN to chat about family planning, as at this point I was 33.  The doc recommend that we start with trying clomid to assist with ovulation and not to worry. He performed the prelim testing and could find nothing that was glaring wrong with us, so clomid seemed like a good "helper" option.   So at this point we tried this for a few months...big fat NOTHING.  In the midst of all of this..My husband and I  were working at one of the most stressful job situations that we have ever worked at...which in hindsight, I am sure was not doing anything to help either one of our situation!

Fast forward a few months and we went back to see my doc...he recommend we try clomid with an IUI (intrauterine insemination).  This could help to give us a better chance of pregnancy. So we figure what the the heck..we could give that a try..we did..

But in February 2014, we were in a minor car accident which propelled us into a two year long medical fiasco.  The car accident which really wasnt a big deal, was big enough to cause a ruptured disc in my neck, which then caused a constant daily migraine of a level 9-10 for almost 6 months. After months of back and forth to doctors and specialist they finally determined that I needed surgery to correct. This car accident put a major stop to all of our fertility activity for close to two years.  As soon as I had healed from the first surgery, I begin having symptoms again and in May 2015 I had to have a second surgery to correct two more ruptured discs.  At first I was angry, that all of this had happened to me...but now I realize that it was the hand of God, and that it was a true blessing that I had not gotten pregnant all those times before...I dont know what I would have done if I had been pregnant and been in that much pain for two years.

In the midst of the spinal issues, we decided to make an appointment to see a Reproductive Endocrinologists, Dr. Austin, in April 2015. When we met with him, he diagnosed us with Unexplained Infertility.  We are the 10% of all infertility cases, there is no real reason why we are not getting pregnant.  Dr. Austin encouraged us to try the clomid/IUI combination a few more times but then really urged us to move on to another type of therapy.  At the time we met with him, I was in so much pain, that we really just wanted to have the appointment, but my heart was not in the right place.  In October 2015, we contacted Dr. Austin to begin trying fertility treatments again. I was a few months out from surgery and was healing...we tried another IUI with femara (another ovulation drug), we tried again in January 2016...this time I had VERY clear signs of pregnancy..but it didnt stick and I had another failed IUI. February 2016 we tried the final time with the IUI and femara, the doctor tried putting me on progesterone this time thinking that might help with keeping a pregnancy...it did not..but it did give me a migraine for two weeks :(....and this one was failed as well.

So now here we are March 2016...we have decided to step it up it a notch and try the next level of fertility treatment...its called Gonadotrophin Therapy...not covered by insurance..AT ALL..$$$$$.  This one involves injections...I never thought I would be here..but here we are....We are giving my body a break this cycle and will begin the injections on the next cycle....if this doesnt work..I am not sure what we will do...maybe IVF..maybe adoption...I just dont know.  At this point we are focusing on each day, not looking too far into the future and being thankful for all that we have.  I pray that it is God's will we have a family...but only time will tell...

I never thought it would be me....

Where to begin...its always best to begin at the beginning.  I never really thought I would be where I am...never thought my husband and I would be almost 11 years into our marriage and still "childfree"...never thought we would be 6 years into trying for a child...never thought we would be considering IVF... you just never think its going to be you.  I decided to start this blog to help me cope with all the emotional feelings...the roller coaster of emotions that happen each month, or for that matter each day.  I think I am fine, then I am not...dealing with infertility is something I was never prepared for, something no woman is ever prepared for. My hope is that through this blog, I am able to help myself and others who are dealing with the same emotions.  This strange silent sisterhood that I have entered into is lonely and isolating, I hope that I can help someone else who is suffering.  So this is our story...which I hope has a happy ending..but only time will tell...