More pain...more waiting...

As the month of April is wrapping up, and ironically this week is National Infertility Awareness week... , I am lying in a dark room writing this blog entry...struggling with another migraine. Over the past 6 weeks or so, I have been struggling with intense back/neck pain and migraines.  I have to admit I was a little freaked out because these are the exact symptoms I had to the prior two spinal surgeries I have had. So after several visits to my neurologists and an MRI, it was found that I DO NOT have another blown disc...which is GREAT news...however, I still have a migraine.  I have an appt to see the migraine specialists...but I couldn't get in to see him until June.  So in the mean time I have been spending a great deal of time in a dark room...in sunglasses resting and trying to tackle this thing.  I thought I had finally gotten it to break last week, but it came back again on Monday morning... so I will try again to break this cycle with lots of sleep, and my dark hobbit hiding hole... sigh...

Being caught in a migraine spiral for someone who is trying to get pregnant using hormones; which you are pretty sure started the whole migraine cycle to begin with,  is a little bit nerve-racking .  So not only do I feel frustrated that I can't get rid of this headache to even THINK about starting my injections to start our treatments again to have a baby, BUT, now there is an added risk that I could thrown myself into another migraine spiral from starting the injections. It is a pretty miserable place to be in...So for now...we are not even sure WHEN we will be able to start the injections...which is frustrating...and sad...oh so sad.  Another month of waiting, slowly ticks away to three months. I am trying so hard to be positive and not stress, because that doesn't help my migraine. But, it is so hard when all I can think about is that each day that passes, is a day taken away from us starting our family.

Psalm 18:2 The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Making Hard Decisions

Life is about making hard decisions...today...we made one...after months of trying to decide if we would do the gonadotrophin therapy...and finding the money, and ordering the medicine for the shots for the therapy. We have decided to postpone starting the shots to let my body a heal a bit longer. The last month my body has been in bad shape...I have had several migraines as well as I have had  neck and back muscle tension that is rendered me immobile.  I have to go back to my routine of physical therapy exercises and doing acupuncture twice a week to help loosen the muscles.  I believe the reason the muscles have tightened is from the previous hormones that threw me into a migraine spiral...my acupuncturist agrees.  So here we wait another month (or so)...for our family...it feels a bit like torture to tell you the truth... like we are completely putting our plan on hold...but I think we are doing the right thing. My body needs time... it has been complete and utter hell the past two years... two years of constant pain, surgery TWICE, recovery TWICE, hormone therapy, migraines, emotions....it has been such a roller coaster...it might be good for me to take a few months to let my body just....breathe...

But I would be lying to you if I told you I was completely ok with this...that I just made this decision and didnt look back......this was hard... a really hard decision.  A family is something that is very important to us, and putting it on hold another month is agony.   I can't believe we are having to make this decision, after all we have done to get to this point. Another hard decisions. .... but...I am faithful......something good will come from all of this pain....or so I hope and pray......

        "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord"-Isaiah 66:9

Finding Ways to Fill the Hole

When I begin this journey, I believed, hoped and prayed it would be short...but as the days, months and years have gone by...it has gotten longer and longer.  I have found that I have got to find a way to fill the hole that is in my heart. The gap that is in my life that can only be filled by our future family.

Over the last few years, we have been fortunate enough to make some wonderful close friends who have children, and spending time with them as their "Aunt Em and Uncle Will" has helped to fill this hole in my heart. But I as time has marched on I have felt propelled that there is more I want...and if our time is not coming to a close yet on this journey, I need to find a way to fulfill this gap.  It wasnt very long ago that I was speaking with my acupuncturists and she shared with me a story that she had heard about David Bowie, and his wife Iman and their struggles they had had with infertility. They had struggled for several years, and Iman told the story that it took two blondes to get her pregnant, "David Bowie and Christie Brinkley".  Iman further explained that in Somalian culture they say that if you have trouble getting pregnant that you should hold a baby all day long, so Christie Brinkley handed her her baby, Sailor, and sure enough she got pregnant.  This story was such an inspiration to me, that I begin to wonder maybe I should consider volunteering working with children..perhaps that could help to fill this hole I have in my heart.

I looked into volunteering at the hospital being a snuggler for the babies in the NICU.  I immediately contacted the hospital and inquired about the possibility. Of course the waitlist for this opportunity is VERY long.  But then, the woman with whom I was speaking with, indicated that there were several other organizations in town that had opportunities to work with children.  So I reached out to several of them, and met with one in particular that spoke deeply to my heart. Its called the Relief Nursery. It is for children who are in at risk families.  I worked my first shift last week, as a volunteer in the classroom with the 2 year olds, and I have to admit. It totally gave me my kid fix! Spending time with these children with whom are in difficult family situations was so rewarding and was definitely filled the hole in my heart.  I am looking forward to my next volunteer shift, when I get to spend 3 hours snuggling with these very special children who want nothing more than to be loved and to play. It really is the best of all worlds.

I do not know what the future will hold for us...we are a few weeks out from starting our next round of fertility treatments which will involve daily injections which will be a bit scary, but in the meantime, I will continue to remain faithful to God's will and our journey is for a reason, AND I will look forward to my Thursday mornings at the Relief Nursery where I get to play and interact with children who really need me. Which is a feeling I need right now!