Thank You

I have to admit..I was absolutely petrified of writing and posting my blog of my very personal feelings and journey...but you know when you feel propelled to do something, as if God is speaking directly to your heart nudging you to do it....thats how I felt.  For months, I had in a funk...one could even say depressed. The magnitude of all in my life that felt like was going wrong had come to a head over the holiday season.  There is something about getting christmas cards that is terribly depressing for someone that is going through fertility issues. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE seeing all of my friends adorable children...but it is also extremely hard... to see their adorable children. Its just hard.  I knew that I was not feeling myself, wanting to sleep a bit more, crying more often (it could also been all the hormones!)...but the icing on the cake came when I was walking thru Target one day, I was looking at sheets and heard a tiny little newborn baby cry. I immediately burst into tears, right there in the middle of Target. I tried to hide it but I know people were staring at me as I pushed my cart as fast as I could to the other end of the store..but that was the moment I knew..I needed to find a way to channel all of this emotion and hurt that I had pent up inside.  I have kept a prayer journal for some time during my spinal surgery journey as well as our fertility issues. Writing in that has been very helpful, but I felt like I needed to write more, someplace more publicly. After the last failed IUI, I finally felt like it was time to put it all out there..so after some consultation with several friends on good blog titles (Thank you Jessica for helping me :)) I just did it. I sat down and word vomited all my feelings... it FELT SO GOOD.  For the first time in a long time, I felt so at peace. That was when I knew that I had done the right thing.

Over the past couple days I have been absolutely BLOWN away by the positive response I have received from posting the blog.  Thank you all that have sent me text messages, Facebook messages, etc.  I do not feel so alone anymore. It is comforting to know that there are so many people out there that like me struggled to have a child.  Our journey is still uncertain, which is so scary, but knowing that I no longer have to walk this path so alone, is comforting.  THANK YOU!

Gonda WHAT Therapy

I remember the first time Dr. Austin said Gonadotrophin Therapy to us during our first appointment with him.  I remember thinking..what did he just say..Gonads..what the hell is he talking about.  Half the time whenever we talk about it, my husband can't pronounce it..its become a hysterical joke around our house.  To be honest, neither one of us thought we would ever be to this point of injections.  It seems surreal to me when I made the call to order the medication.  So when we made the decision to proceed with this type of therapy one of the first thing that came to mind was money.  With me being out of work for close to a year with my spinal surgeries, money has been a bit tight for us. But we have been able to make it by cutting our expenses here and there and being smart.  And at this point I would do anything to start a family.  When I spoke to the nurse about ordering the medication she indicated to me that there was a HUGE price difference ordering the medication from the US or from overseas. I asked her if there was ANY difference in the medication that came from overseas and she laughed and said, nope, not at all..its the exact same medication..they just charge twice the amount in the US.  HOW ridiculous is that! We decided to order from overseas..when the box arrived with the medication, I remember thinking..THIS IS IT...I expected streamers, confetti, balloons, something...anything...for how much I paid for this! Here is what a $1,000 bucks can buy you in the fertility world! :)

I have to admit that prior to this the thought of letting my husband poke me with a shot was not something that was on my "honey do" list.  I never imagined that I would be walking this journey...thankfully we have a very good friend who is a nurse who has agreed to come over for the first injection to assist in any way, just in case either one of us gets cold feet.  I never thought my husband would be ok with poking me, but he seems to be just fine with it all.  From what I have read about the side effects of this medication, he may be throwing the shots at me like a dartboard by the time its all over..they say that this medication makes you emotional and mean...thats a great combination.  Oh what a wonderful fun carousel of emotions this journey has been thus far....I can't wait to see how my body reacts to the hormones! :) 

Our story...

My husband and I met in graduate school. We married soon after we met..it was a whirlwind romance..the kind of love at first sight.  Our careers were important to us, so we decided early on that we didnt want to have children right away... little did we know that it would be such an issue!  When we turned 30, we decided that we were "ready" to start officially trying.  The first 6 months flew by, and we really weren't too frustrated because we figured it would take some time.  It wasn't until the 1.5 mark that we realized that perhaps something wasnt quite working.  At that point we had just made a huge cross country move to Oregon from Alabama, it was quite stressful. We had left our families and friends for a new adventure out west.  I made an appointment with my OBGYN to chat about family planning, as at this point I was 33.  The doc recommend that we start with trying clomid to assist with ovulation and not to worry. He performed the prelim testing and could find nothing that was glaring wrong with us, so clomid seemed like a good "helper" option.   So at this point we tried this for a few months...big fat NOTHING.  In the midst of all of this..My husband and I  were working at one of the most stressful job situations that we have ever worked at...which in hindsight, I am sure was not doing anything to help either one of our situation!

Fast forward a few months and we went back to see my doc...he recommend we try clomid with an IUI (intrauterine insemination).  This could help to give us a better chance of pregnancy. So we figure what the the heck..we could give that a try..we did..

But in February 2014, we were in a minor car accident which propelled us into a two year long medical fiasco.  The car accident which really wasnt a big deal, was big enough to cause a ruptured disc in my neck, which then caused a constant daily migraine of a level 9-10 for almost 6 months. After months of back and forth to doctors and specialist they finally determined that I needed surgery to correct. This car accident put a major stop to all of our fertility activity for close to two years.  As soon as I had healed from the first surgery, I begin having symptoms again and in May 2015 I had to have a second surgery to correct two more ruptured discs.  At first I was angry, that all of this had happened to me...but now I realize that it was the hand of God, and that it was a true blessing that I had not gotten pregnant all those times before...I dont know what I would have done if I had been pregnant and been in that much pain for two years.

In the midst of the spinal issues, we decided to make an appointment to see a Reproductive Endocrinologists, Dr. Austin, in April 2015. When we met with him, he diagnosed us with Unexplained Infertility.  We are the 10% of all infertility cases, there is no real reason why we are not getting pregnant.  Dr. Austin encouraged us to try the clomid/IUI combination a few more times but then really urged us to move on to another type of therapy.  At the time we met with him, I was in so much pain, that we really just wanted to have the appointment, but my heart was not in the right place.  In October 2015, we contacted Dr. Austin to begin trying fertility treatments again. I was a few months out from surgery and was healing...we tried another IUI with femara (another ovulation drug), we tried again in January 2016...this time I had VERY clear signs of pregnancy..but it didnt stick and I had another failed IUI. February 2016 we tried the final time with the IUI and femara, the doctor tried putting me on progesterone this time thinking that might help with keeping a pregnancy...it did not..but it did give me a migraine for two weeks :(....and this one was failed as well.

So now here we are March 2016...we have decided to step it up it a notch and try the next level of fertility treatment...its called Gonadotrophin Therapy...not covered by insurance..AT ALL..$$$$$.  This one involves injections...I never thought I would be here..but here we are....We are giving my body a break this cycle and will begin the injections on the next cycle....if this doesnt work..I am not sure what we will do...maybe IVF..maybe adoption...I just dont know.  At this point we are focusing on each day, not looking too far into the future and being thankful for all that we have.  I pray that it is God's will we have a family...but only time will tell...

I never thought it would be me....

Where to begin...its always best to begin at the beginning.  I never really thought I would be where I am...never thought my husband and I would be almost 11 years into our marriage and still "childfree"...never thought we would be 6 years into trying for a child...never thought we would be considering IVF... you just never think its going to be you.  I decided to start this blog to help me cope with all the emotional feelings...the roller coaster of emotions that happen each month, or for that matter each day.  I think I am fine, then I am not...dealing with infertility is something I was never prepared for, something no woman is ever prepared for. My hope is that through this blog, I am able to help myself and others who are dealing with the same emotions.  This strange silent sisterhood that I have entered into is lonely and isolating, I hope that I can help someone else who is suffering.  So this is our story...which I hope has a happy ending..but only time will tell...