Father God, right here
where I am planted in this pain, I know there is a purpose. I know You
will bring me out. Just give me the strength to keep hope alive until You
do. Amen
I Kings 18:41-46
“Hope is being able
to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” There was
a drought in the land. The Israelites had not seen rain for
about three years. The Lord tells Elijah who had been running from
Ahab to go show himself to him and He will end the drought. You can
imagine how Elijah felt. Here he was hiding out afraid because
he thought that Ahab had killed all of God's prophets now God is asking
him to go to the very person he is terrified of seeing. Sometimes,
God will put us in a place that we are not comfortable with and expect us
to hold serve there. There is pain in that place. There is sadness
in that place. There is emptiness in that place. There sometimes
seems to be no God in that place but we are to hold court until the Lord says
move. We are to have hope in the ditch, in the prison, in the valley and
while we are being stoned. God knows what He is doing. We don't
always understand His next move but that's okay. It is not for you to
understand. What we have to do at this time in our lives is be steadfast
and unmovable. There is something brewing. If you can just hold
court right there where you are and don't move a muscle and don't flinch, you
will get out in one piece. It is when we get edgy, not understanding
the God who is working things together for our good that we slip up and fall,
slip and slide, stumble and stutter. Don't try to understand the place
you are in right now. Yes it is painful. Yes it hurts. Yes you want
out but He's refining you. He is purging you. He is renewing you
but you have to trust Him. You have to be willing to stand there and take the
punches. When it is all over, like He did with Job, He will restore you.
All those who have been through the waters and the fire can testify that you didn't
think you would make it, but you did!
For weeks I have been waiting...waiting on doctors appointments to tell me whats wrong...waiting on MRI's to find out if there is something more to this migraine than just a migraine, just waiting, and waiting in so much pain that I beginning to lose who I am as a person. But then, just when I feel as if I am going to lose my grip, I open my email to this....a quite reminder from up above to be still and patient. He knows my pain; both physical and mental. He knows that I want nothing more than to be well so that we can start trying for our family again. But for now I must be patient and wait. So for now, I will endure the pain, enjoy the good days that I have by basking in the sunshine and spending time with family and friends, and stay faithful that thru all this, we will have a family. We have decided to move forward with exploring adoption options since, right now, having a child of our own is off the table. There is an adoption meeting with an organization here in Eugene at the end of the month that we will be attending to find out more about that. We are not giving up hope of having a child of our own, but for now, my body is not in a place to endure the hormones and stress that it would have to go through to do that, so we need to just be patient and wait. Which is hard...but I have faith....I think you have to when you are in a situation like mine...if you don't have faith..what do you have.
Thank you to all my friends and family who continue to pray for us, and send cards, notes and texts of encouragement...I really appreciate them all! I couldn't do any of this without y'all. For now, the doctors say, I am just in a migraine cycle that may not be able to be broken...so this may be the rest of my life...which I am coming to terms with as well. We are exploring all sorts of options..even the Mayo Clinic..I am not giving up hope! I have an appointment with a neurosurgeon for a consult on a surgery that may help at the end of July and I have been receiving trigger point injections pretty regularly to try to help with the pain...which helps some but they are not pleasant I will add! I told Will the other day that I am so tough now that and my pain tolerance is so high that if and when I do get pregnant child birth will be a breeze! Hahah!
Again, I know there is a reason for this journey..I may not understand it..but I am remaining faithful and patient as I wait for the next door to open. Hopeful that it involves a family for us, and a painfree life for me! Thanks again for all the prayers!
