Where is our rainbow?

Today marks month 3 of my current migraine.....the migraine that is keeping me from starting my fertility treatments...to start my family. At first I was extremely angry and bitter, screaming to God, why is this happening to us AGAIN...why are derailing our plans AGAIN...but then as I have prayed I remembered that it is HIS plan not OURS...so although this journey is hard AND VERY painful...this is the journey he has chosen for us. And our family journey just so happens to involve two spinal surgeries and one VERY long migraine that no one seems to be able to figure out why it will not go away.

I have suffered with migraines for my entire life, although I was not diagnosed until I was in college. But I can remember as a young child having terrible headaches. I have gone to numerous neurologists ...all of whom have encouraged me to keep a food journal or have some how tried to link my migraines to my cycle.  The only thing they have ever been able to determine is that they are caused from stress.  But something this time is very different.  I am in a relatively low stress environment...I have been out of work because of my spinal surgery for close to 2 years, I have put my dissertation for my Ph.D on my back burner, AGAIN... (not because my desire to finish is not there but because this headache keeps me from using my computer from longer than 20 mins at a time!), and fertility treatments have completely stopped...so what gives..where is the stress...could it be that I am stressed because I have a headache that won't go away..perhaps...but things are different this time. I am trying just about EVERYTHING you could imagine to make this thing go away. I have been using acupuncture since my last surgery for pain and for fertility...that has helped tremendously...I seriously do not know what I would do without my biweekly visits with my Laura. I call her my magic fingers. She can get my headache from a 8 to a 5 in a matter of seconds...which with conventional medicine it could take up to 30 minutes for anything to work! Its pretty amazing.  I have been taking all sorts of vitamins, minerals, Chinese herbs, leafy greens, grass fed beef, etc. I just started a wheat free diet..which is HARD..but not as bad as I thought. I soak my feet daily in epsom salt foot soaks. I have appts with several specialists, and have been in to see my migraine specialists several times for emergency pain help...which I have finally decided is really not helping me in the long run because all that is doing is causing rebound headaches.  So over the last few weeks I have decided that maybe the best thing to do is just to ride it out..learn to live with it..learn how to function with the pain..perhaps God is trying to utilize me for some reasons that I am unable to see yet. All I know is that I must trust him..he has brought me this far.

I am not saying that this journey has not come without its fair share of tears and anger, because it HAS. There are days that I sit in my very dark room, with sunglasses on, and cry...praying to God why he would put me through all of this....the two years of pain, the infertility and just when I felt like I was getting my footing again, WHAM...I am smacked back on my butt with this...WHY. And the thing I keep coming back to is I just have to trust him. I may not understand why today, or tomorrow or even next week, but there is a reason, and it is part of our journey.

So, as I wait for my upcoming appts with specialists with whom I pray have the answers to make the pain go away, and let me leave my dark sunglassed prison...and once again step out into the light of the world...I pray that I have the strength each day to continue to trust God and know that he always has my best interest at heart.  There has to be a rainbow for us as some point right?

"The pain that you have been feeling can not compare to the joy that is coming." Romans 8:18